How to Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling
Written by Amy Nasamran, PhD
Does it feel like your kids only seem to listen when you raise your voice and yell?
Nobody likes yelling at their kids, but even parents with the best intentions can fall victim to the frustrations of not being heard or listened to sometimes.
But what do you do when the only things that seem to get your kids to listen are yelling, threatening, or bribing? The power struggle is exhausting for you both, and the guilt that often follows just makes it worse. You know it’s not a sustainable long-term solution or the way you want to communicate with your child.
If you’re looking for a better strategy for how to get kids to listen without yelling, I can assure you there’s a better way. As a child psychologist, I’ve studied and helped parents learn the most effective ways to help kids listen better, and I’m here to share those tips with you.
Why does my child not listen until I yell?
“They learn to wait until you raise your voice and yell, which becomes their cue that you mean business.”
The first step to really knowing how to get kids to listen without yelling is to understand why kids may not be listening in the first place. Once we understand why your child isn’t listening, we can choose the right strategy to help them listen better. Here are some common reasons why kids don’t listen right away:
They don’t know what to do — How many times have you told your child “no” and wondered what they don’t understand? No means no, right? Children have a hard time listening when told “no,” “stop,” or “don’t” because they don’t know what to do (even though it may seem painfully obvious to us as adults).
In this stage of their brain development, children are concrete thinkers. This mean that they tend to focus on what’s immediately right in front of them. When they hear, “Stop running,” running stays at the forefront of their minds, making it hard to stop doing.
Continuing to think about running + not having a clear idea of what to do instead = more running
They’re testing the boundaries — As children gain independence, it’s completely normal for them to test the boundaries sometimes. They might refuse or ask for a few more minutes to see how much you’re willing to bend.
They don’t know when you mean it — Over time, as children test their limits and the boundaries sometimes fluctuate, it can be tricky for them to learn when you mean business or not.
Also, as adults, we tend to give children so many directions throughout the day. Did you know that studies have shown that the average parent gives about one command per minute? In my own work with parents, we usually see similar numbers. Parents are often surprised to see that they give their child between 10 to sometimes over 20 commands in just a 10-minute period. This number is even higher for kids with behavioral or attention difficulties.
When the boundaries are unclear and children are hearing hundreds of commands a day, they can’t tell when it’s important to listen. They might even start to tune you out. They learn to wait until you raise your voice and yell, which becomes their cue that you mean business.
They think it’s a choice — As adults, we tend to ask for what we want as a question. In adult interactions, this is completely natural and can sometimes be considered more polite and respectful. However, children are concrete thinkers, and if we ask them, “Are you ready to go brush your teeth?” they might not decipher that you’re not really asking (until you repeat yourself or get loud enough).
How to get your child to listen without yelling
Now that you know how the child mind works, getting your kids to listen without yelling, bribing, or threatening is totally possible with a few tweaks to how we lead and give directions. We know we need to lay it out in a way that makes it totally clear for your child from the get go what they need to do, that you mean it, and that it’s non-negotiable.
Make sure you have their attention — Before you give your child any instructions, make sure you have their attention. Get down on their level and make eye contact to know that they’re listening. Making this point of connection before you tell your child what to do can also be a positive way to connect before directing.
Tell your child what to do — We know that commands that start with “no,” “stop,” or “don’t” aren’t effective for getting kids to listen. Instead, tell your child what to do. For example, instead of telling your child to “stop shouting,” try, “Please use a quiet voice.” Instead of, “No running inside,” try, “Please walk slowly.” Giving a direct instruction will help your child know exactly what to do.
Avoid asking — Unless it’s truly a choice, make sure you tell your child what to do instead of asking them if they’re ready or if they want to. Question-based commands like asking your spouse, “Will you take the trash out?” might work with adults, but children need more direct instructions. Instead of asking, “Are you ready to put your shoes on?” try, “Put your shoes on now, please.” This isn’t rude or mean, but instead will help clarify for your child that you mean it.
Give them a reason first — Kids do better when they know what to expect. Giving your child a reason before you make your request can help them understand why they’re being told to do what they’re being told to do. For example, you can let your child know, “It’s time to cross the street now,” before you give the direction, “Please hold my hand.” This can also prevent the need for kids to ask why and the possible negotiation or argument that follows.
Give one direction at a time — Remember how many instructions children hear each day? When we give this many directions, especially too many in a row, this also makes it harder for you to be consistent and follow through with each one. If your child has had a hard time listening lately, break it down and only give one instruction at a time.
Offer choices — It’s important to consider and differentiate between the times you need your child to listen quickly and when perhaps a command might not be necessary. When possible, give your child a choice instead of using a direct command. Providing children with choices can increase their sense of control and their cooperation. For example, you could say, “It’s time to leave for school now. Do you want to put on your blue coat or orange coat?”
Praise when they do listen — Praising your child for listening is one of the most powerful things you can do to increase their cooperation in the future. Are there moments in the day when your child is more likely to listen, maybe during specific activities? Catch your child when they listen and let them know that they did a great job listening. Telling them, “Thank you for listening quickly,” even for a simple task, can go a long way to helping kids feel good and motivated to listen again in the future. The more praise they get for listening, the more listening they’ll do.
Maintain a warm and loving relationship — Perhaps what’s even more important than the way we give directions when it comes to getting kids to listen without yelling is your relationship with your child. Children need both love and limits from their parents. When children feel good and secure in their relationship with you, they’re more likely to feel good and want to listen. Providing an extra dose of positive attention and consistent 1:1 special time can be a fun and positive way to effectively improve your relationship and increase your child’s cooperation yell-, threat-, and bribe-free.
Next steps
When you’re wondering how to get kids to listen without yelling, the first and most important step is to prioritize your parent-child relationship — maintain the warmth and security in your relationship with your child, and they’ll want to cooperate and listen. Next, practice consistently giving directions in the ways that make it more likely for your child to be able to listen.
Sometimes, parents and children need a little extra support to break out of the cycle of not listening and frustration, and consulting with a professional can help you do this. I provide behavior consultation and parent coaching to do this using evidence-based positive parenting strategies alone! Reach out to me at Atlas Psychology to sign up or for more information.
MEET THE AUTHOR, AMY NASAMRAN, PhD
I’m Dr. Amy, a licensed psychologist, bestselling author, and neurodiversity advocate. I specialize in working with people at two of my favorite stages in life: early childhood and early adulthood. Atlas Psychology was founded to provide community-driven, evidence-based mental health therapy, awareness, and education for children, their parents, and adults with differently-wired minds.
