If I told you there are just two most important basic needs of a child, what would you say those are?

These days, parents are inundated with information about what children need and how to be a “good” parent. There are what feels like an infinite amount of positive parenting trends and methods to choose from — attachment parenting, mindful parenting, respectful parenting, … the list goes on.

Parents are then constantly being told what to do and what not to do.

“Reward often,” vs. “Rewards spoil kids!”
“Use time out,” vs. “Time out is bad!”
“Sleep train early,” vs. “Sleep training is evil!”

Sound familiar? This overload of information about how to meet the basic needs of a child can be so confusing and can sometimes even feel contradictory. Parents are sifting through advice, evaluating the options, feeling confused about how to respond to their kids, and then doubting themselves and their decisions.

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by all the information out there about what children need, I have good news for you. The basic needs of a child can be simplified down to just two things: love and limits.

Basic needs of a child

Aside from the most basic survival needs (like food and shelter), there are just two things every child needs from a parent to be well-adjusted, happy, and healthy:

Love and warmth
Consistent limits

Based on decades of research and hundreds of studies, these are the two most important basic needs of a child.

It’s no coincidence that these are also the two main commonalities that most of the mainstream positive parenting trends today share. Even though there seems to be an endless amount of modern day parenting approaches to choose from (gentle parenting, conscious parenting, peaceful parenting… really, I could go on), they’re all born from pretty much just these two things.

Love & warmth

Love is the primary need and the foundation on which all other things can build off of. Everything depends on this foundation between a parent and a child.

This one seems obvious. Of course you love your child unconditionally. After all, you care for them and even put their needs before your own — you feed them, pick up after them, play with them, hug and kiss them, and comfort them. They’re your world.

It can be easy to assume your kids should just know that you love them. But although adults have many love languages, including things like being fed or having the laundry done and folded for us, your child’s love language may be different. You have to know how to communicate love to a child in a way that they feel loved, and you have to communicate that your love is unconditional.

Consistent Limits

The second most important thing kids need is consistent limits and boundaries. Children do better and thrive when they have predictable routines, rules, and boundaries. This helps kids know what to expect. It helps them feel safe and secure.

Learning to set fair limits in a consistent way is challenging for many parents. Kids can be great negotiators, and that soft spot in your heart for your child can tempt you to bend the rules and give in every now and then. That’s okay! Even though your child may negotiate, test, and even protest the boundaries you set, know that setting and sticking to consistent limits provides the predictability, stability, and security that kids need to thrive.

Why just two basic needs?

In many ways, we’re lucky to live in this day and age where information is available at the flick of a switch. But sometimes, this overload of information can also be really overwhelming, confusing, and time consuming for parents. Some parents may be struggling with decision fatigue. There’s a lot of noise out there. It’s confusing for parents. It causes them to feel guilty about their decisions as parents.

Parenting doesn’t need to be more challenging than it already is. We don’t need to complicate the basic needs of a child. Instead of getting lost in the contradictory advice and endless options of today’s popular parenting trends, my goal as a child psychologist is to help you simplify and refocus on what’s really important, according to science and the research.

Of course, parenting isn’t an exact science. And only you will know what’s best for your child and family. My hope is to share the science in a simpler way that makes sense to help you make informed decisions. It’s less about whether you choose to give your child rewards or not, or use time out to discipline or not. It’s about doing what you choose to do with love and doing it consistently.

By focusing on just the two most important things children need, decision-making as a parent can be easier and much less overwhelming. If you can remember just these two things, you can start to respond in ways that meet the basic needs of a child and feel more confident with your decisions as a parent.

And fun fact: these aren’t new ideas or actually very modern at all. The research supporting the importance of love and limits on child attachment, growth, and development dates back to the 60s (and maybe even before that). When you keep these two things in mind, you can relieve the pressure of choosing any one parenting approach to use and feeling guilty when you don’t stick to exactly what it says to do.

Meeting children’s basic needs

Now that you know the most important basic needs of a child, you can let love and limits guide your decision-making and interactions with your child.

We know that when kids act out, they’re almost always communicating a need. So meeting these basic needs of your child is the first step to improving their behavior.

3 Ways that children feel love

Physical Touch — One way to communicate your unconditional love to your child is through physical touch. This goes beyond the usual hugs and kisses. Young children may enjoy sitting in your lap while reading a book, and older kids may love fist bumps and high fives. A simple pat on the back in passing can also be a quick and easy way for parents to show love and communicate warmth to kids.
Words of Affirmation — “I love you” may seem obvious here. But many kids need words beyond “I love you” to feel loved. Love can be too abstract of a word for kids to truly understand. One way to communicate your love using words is through praise. Kids love being praised for their efforts! Catch your child being good, and be specific with your praise. Let your child know exactly what they’re doing well, and they’ll feel your appreciation and warmth (and continue to do more of it!).
Quality Time — These days, you may already be spending a LOT of time with your kids. When it comes to quality time, this tip means exactly that: quality over quantity. In order for time spent with your child to communicate love and build that solid foundation, it’s important for kids to notice their parents being 100% present and attentive. Spending even a short amount of special time giving your child your full, undivided attention is more meaningful and goes a much longer way than spending time throughout the day while your mind is on other things.

3 Tips for setting consistent limits

Start with a reason — Before giving your child an instruction, give them a reason. Starting with a reason can increase cooperation. Kids are more likely to listen to a reason before a negotiation or argument ensues. Starting with a reason also eliminates the need for kids to ask "why" after what you say.
Give one instruction at a time — If you and your child have been struggling with cooperation and listening lately, fade back to giving just one instruction at a time. Multi-step directions can be harder for kids to remember than we think, and they can also be harder for adults to follow through on. Try starting with giving your child one direction at a time, praise their cooperation, and build from there.
Pause, and allow time for follow through — Kids who haven't had to follow limits consistently often try to get out of it by asking questions, negotiating, or refusing. Engaging in the discussion teaches them that what you said was negotiable. Instead, pause silently and allow your child time to comply. You can teach listening by not engaging in the negotiation, but rather waiting for and expecting compliance with your original instruction (especially if you already started with a reason!). As usual, remember to give your rewarding praise once they comply.

Balancing children’s basic needs

Sometimes it might seem like these two basic needs of a child work in opposition of one another. How do you interact with love AND get your child to listen without yelling? Is it possible to be warm when your child gets upset at a rule you’ve enforced or doesn’t listen to your boundaries?

Although it can be much easier said than done, it’s definitely possible! And that’s why I encourage parents to start by just focusing on the balance of these two things. Fill your child’s love and attention buckets with lots of love, physical affection, praise, and quality time. That way, love and warmth will already be in place when a difficult moment arises, like when you have to say no or enforce a boundary. You can respond warmly even in these limit-setting situations. (“I know you really want to play longer. Those toys are fun! It’s time for dinner right now. Please come to the table.”) Respond with warmth, then set the limit.

I know it can be easy to get lost in the sea of information about how to parent or what’s best for your child. Sometimes, getting individualized support can help you come up with a game plan tailored specifically to you and your child. I provide behavior consultation and parent coaching at Atlas Psychology. Reach out to learn more!

Basic Needs of a Child: The 2 Most Important Things Every Child Needs