Why Do Children Act Out & What to Do About It
Written by Amy Nasamran, PhD
“Why do children act out?” is one of the most common questions I get as a child psychologist. Parents of children who have started shouting to get their way or hitting when they don’t often wonder, why is my child acting out all of a sudden? Is this normal toddler behavior? Am I failing my child as a parent?
All kids act out from time to time. Acting out can look different with different kids but generally involves tough behaviors like hitting, crying, screaming, throwing or breaking toys, not listening, or saying no to everything you say. If you’ve ever tried to calm a screaming toddler down then I don’t need to tell you how incredibly stressful it can be for any parent in the heat of the moment. In the aftermath, many parents wonder if they’re doing something wrong, not doing enough, and a myriad of other feelings like guilt and defeat.
Why kids act out can sometimes be tricky to figure out at first glance, but I can tell you off the bat that it’s not your fault. There are many reasons why kids act out, some of which are just a normal part of child development, and some maybe signaling something more. Let’s go over the common reasons why children act out and what you as a parent can do about it.
Common reasons why kids act out
Why do children act out? In general, kids act out to a) get something they want or b) avoid or get out of something they don’t want. Almost always, it's to communicate something: a need, a want, an emotion, or a physical feeling.
Rarely is it because they’re trying to be a bad or spiteful kid.
For example, your toddler might throw food on the ground because they know it’ll get your attention. Or they whine for another book before bedtime because they don’t want to sleep yet.
Some common reasons your child might be acting out are:
They’re tired or hungry
They’re scared or anxious (check out my Anxiety Workbook for Kids here)
They feel sad, frustrated, or mad
A sudden change in routine
Being bothered by sensory input like loud sounds or scratchy clothes
Testing their independence, a limit, or a boundary
Seeking attention
It got them what they wanted in the past
Stress due to bigger life changes (e.g., moving, a new sibling, a pandemic!)
Behavior is communicative
This is key to remember: behavior is communicative.
Children are born without the ability to talk or express themselves right away. Even in their toddler years, kids are still just learning to talk and how to use their words and language fluently. (Yes, even your little one who is talking a million words per minute and sometimes seems to talk non-stop.) When toddlers and young children start to talk, it’s easy to forget that using words is still a pretty new skill in their short years of life so far.
Given their developmental level, it can be much easier and faster for a young child to communicate a need and get what they want in a way that has worked for them in the past. Instead of giving a verbal explanation, they might cry (what they did as an infant/baby), yell, hit, or throw a tantrum. (This is also why we sometimes see more challenging behaviors with children who experience language delays. Kids who don’t yet have words literally have to use behaviors to communicate what they can’t yet say.)
Kids who are acting out by saying no to everything you say and refusing to listen may be developmentally testing out their independence. This is normal and expected to some degree. By 18 months, children can recognize themselves in the mirror, and before they’re 2-years-old start to realize that they’re separate and independent from their caregivers. It makes sense that shortly after that they begin to exert their independence and decision-making.
3 Things you can do if your child is acting out
“Giving in or using stricter discipline can actually make the behavior worse and perpetuate it to go on for longer.”
Even though children’s acting out behaviors are stressful to get through and can even be hurtful at times, there are many things we as adults can do to support them. It can be tempting and a lot easier to sometimes just give in to the behavior. Or maybe you’ve wondered if you should use a stricter discipline approach to get the tough behaviors to stop. I can tell you that most of the time, giving in or using stricter discipline can actually make the behavior worse and perpetuate it to go on for longer.
Instead, when you child acts out, the goal should be to foster and reinforce healthier ways to communicate, while reducing loud, aggressive, or destructive behaviors. Here are 3 things you can start doing to meet that goal:
Understand what need your toddler is trying to communicate. You know how you scream in a horror film or in a haunted house? And we also scream or yell sometimes when we’re frustrated? Children are no different - except they’ve had way less time to practice regulating their emotions and behavior. Underneath that challenging behavior is feeling or a need. Is your little one fussing, screaming, or hitting because they’re tired or hungry? Are they trying to get your attention? Maybe they’re nervous or scared about something and are trying to avoid it. Understanding the underlying need is the first important step to knowing how to handle the behavior.
Praise and reinforce appropriate behavior and healthy communication skills at times when the acting out behavior is not happening. This is especially important for acting out behaviors that are driven by connection- and attention-seeking. We want to break the cycle of your child acting out to get your attention and then getting your attention (albeit negative attention) for it.
Instead, try giving lots of attention at times before acting out happens. You can start to do this by training your eye to catch your child’s good behavior. For example, if you catch your child asking for something nicely or using a good voice volume, let them know! You can say, “Great manners!” or “Thank you for asking so nicely.” Or catch your child in a moment when they’re playing quietly and nicely with their toys and say, “I love how you’re building so gently!” or “Good job playing calmly.” When children feel better, they behave better.
The more you tell your child what they’re doing well, the more they’ll continue to do it. This can also help teach your child to do more of those good behaviors to get your attention instead of acting out for attention.
Be consistent. Even though sometimes kids protest, setting consistent limits actually helps children feel safe and secure. It helps them know what to expect. When kids act out sometimes it’s actually because they don’t know where they stand, and they’re testing the limit. For example, if kids are sometimes allowed to read an extra book or two before bedtime and sometimes not, they may continue to plead for extra books every night in hopes that it’ll work that night. When parents are consistent and predictable, it reduces the need for kids to act out and test the boundaries.
When is acting out normal behavior vs. something more?
This is one of the hardest questions parents have to ask. Here are a few things to consider when thinking about whether your child’s behavior may be a sign for more professional support:
Does their behavior seem out of character? As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else. If your child’s emotions or behaviors seem out of character, or if they seem not quite like themselves lately, it may be helpful to recruit a trained professional to help figure out why.
Is your child acting out more frequently? If your child is having a tough time regulating their emotions or displaying behaviors that are becoming frequent or getting harder to handle day-to-day, working with a professional can help curb the pattern of behavior early.
Are your child’s behaviors intense, uncontrollable, or have a slow return to calmness? It may be helpful to consult with a professional on more extreme or aggressive behaviors that are out of the ordinary from typical toddler tantrums. If you’re not sure, asking a professional who specializes in child development and behavior can provide some clarity.
Does your child acting out interfere with daily life? A child's struggles that start interfering with their or your everyday lives (like not being able to go to school, the store, or see family and friends), need extra attention and care. No child or parent wants to live that way! Seeking professional support can help both you and your child start to enjoy living your regular, routine lives again.
So, why do children act out? The bottom line:
Your child’s behavior is communicative. Knowing this, we can flip the question from, “Why do children act out?” to “What is my child trying to tell me?” Behind every acting out behavior is a feeling or a need. Knowing that this is the reason behind why children act out, we can first understand and meet that need. We can then teach kids how to better express their feelings, wants, and needs in healthier, more respectful ways.
Consulting with a trained professional can help you figure out why your child is showing certain behaviors and what can be done to help. As a child behavior expert, I provide child behavior consultation and support for parents at Atlas Psychology. Reach out to learn more!
MEET THE AUTHOR, AMY NASAMRAN, PHD
I’m Dr. Amy, a licensed psychologist, bestselling author, and neurodiversity advocate. I specialize in working with people at two of my favorite stages in life: early childhood and early adulthood. Atlas Psychology was founded to provide community-driven, evidence-based mental health therapy, awareness, and education for children, their parents, and adults with differently-wired minds.
